Looking Back

On a recent Sunday afternoon my middle daughter, she's 15, got a call from a friend telling her that a boy they had gone to school with since the 6th grade had hung himself earlier that day in his closet. Of course there was all kinds of speculation as to why and rumors were rampant among the teenage friends of this young man who had seemingly given up hope.

A few days later I took her to the boy's funeral. I didn't know this kid or his parents. I knew a lot of the students that were there and had seem most of them grow up... many of them had been in my house a time or two. The questions and confusion jumped off of the faces of most of the kids and many of the adults. How could a kid with so much life left in front of him come to the conclusion that there was nothing left to live for?

I remember being 15. At times it seems like forever ago and other times it seems like just yesterday. Everytime a high school friend posts new pictures from back in the day I look at them and think was I ever really that young? Looking into those young, naive eyes reminds me of so many things. And I see in those old pictures the same look I see in my kids.

Naivety is not a disease of some kind, or something that indicates a lack of intelligence. It's something that we have all experienced throughout life. And that's where we as parents can step in and actually understand what our kids may be thinking.

I'm just as guilty as the next guy about getting frustrated, angry, and irritated at laziness, selfishness, and other things that seem to ooze out of the teenage psyche. But so much of their emotional, and psychological reactions stem from sheer naivety. In many ways they've been taught that these are the best years of their life and they should enjoy them while they last. While this may seem like a positive statement.... view it from their lenses.

When they look at themselves physically, emotionally, intellectually and think this is as good as it gets........ that's not necessarily positive. Therefore, when I don't match up physically, when he/she breaks up with me; when I just can't make the grade..... what's left? Really... if this is as good as it gets and it sucks..... then why stick around for the rest?

Parents.... I implore you. Make sure your kids know that this is not as good as it gets. There is so much life left to live. I love the Brad Paisley song "Letter to Me." There is so much truth in that song pertaining to growing up in a world that is tough for adults to live in, much less kids. One of the lines in that song refers to not seeing past Friday night, much less further down the line. Obviously, discipline and structure are a huge part in getting them through, but remembering our own naivety and cluelessness can help.

For me... looking back at what I thought was the best and 25 years later living out a life that is so much better than I ever could have imagined is a reminder of what God has in store for my own kids. I don't know what that is and neither do they.... but it's going to be fun to watch it unfold. Getting them through these times can be challenging and extremely frustrating. All of the mistakes, decisions that we don't agree with as parents, boy/girl problems, etc.... nothing we haven't been through ourselves. Use that knowledge and experience to guide through the mine fields the same way God guides us through ours.

Have a great Christmas and a very Happy New Year!

Put It All on the Table

Several years ago I took a group of middle school kids to camp for the first time. I had been leading worship and speaking at camps for a long time, but this was my first time to take a group as their student pastor. I had only been at this church for a few weeks, and was really excited about the opportunity to get to know these kids and start forming some relationships.

The camp line-up was good.... Voddie Baucham preaching and Billy and Cindy Foote leading worship. It doesn't get much better than that, so I was pumped. The first day was pretty uneventful, but the second day blew up. I had to send a kid home... yeah, 2nd week on the job, first camp and I've got this little girl that I had to send home. But that was definitely the right move. It was another thing that confused me on that day though.

My senior pastor's daughter was at that camp. I was talking with her one night because I noticed that she did not have her bible with her in the bible study time. She told me she didn't have one. I assumed she was talking about not having one at that time, or that she forgot it at home. But as we talked a little more, she meant she did not have a bible. Her dad had been a pastor for years and this 14 year old girl did not have a bible.

Needless to say I got her one, and when we got back home I set up a time to go in and try to get some clarity on this issue. As I sat down and talked to her dad, I asked him, how is it that your daughter does not have a bible? His reply was something like this..... her mom and I have never wanted to put added pressure on our kids since they are already under so much scrutiny being a preacher's kid. We want them to make their own decisions, and come to faith because of their own realization not because their dad is a pastor. Wow! I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Counting on a kid to make the right decisions without giving them everything you know to be true and right is like telling them to go ahead and run with the scissors, and try jumping over the couch while you're at it. Sure enough, the philosophy backfired.

As a parent part of our responsibility to our kids is to allow them to make decisions, and then to accept the rewards and/or consequences. However, we are doing a huge disservice to them if we do not give them everything we know to be true and right. It's a given that they will make some poor decisions, just as you and I have done in our lifetimes. But the frequency of those bad decisions may be lessened if they have all of the information with which to make a decision.

Face it.... someone is going to give them information. You and I are not the only ones influencing their decisions, and quite frankly, we probably do not have the most influence. But the information we give them; the spiritual guidance that we are responsible for speaking into their lives can and will form values that will be used when it's time to decide.

I don't know about you, but I want a say so in what my kids decide. To think they will just find out on their own is nothing short of abuse. Talk to your kids about the tough things. Talk to them about the things that you know are waiting on them as they navigate the teenage years. Give them the wisdom that comes with one of the things you have that they do not.... years of life. They're not dumb, just inexperienced. Shed some light on the things that lurk in the shadows. The enemy is like a lion... looking for someone to devour. Put everything you know out on the table with the rest of the information they are getting. We can't expect them to make the right decision all of the time, but we set them up for failure if we don't say our part.

Just trying to help....

Hey parents.... we're starting this blog in an effort to keep you better informed about what's going on in the lives of our students. We will try to update it weekly so that you're aware of the things that your student is facing at school, work, home, and the things they think about that you may not know is going on in their heads.

I hope this is a helpful, useful tool that gets information to you that will help us partner together as we reach out to this new generation of leaders. So bookmark this page and check it each week. Leave comments and insight you have so that it becomes a forum for parents to talk about the issues we face in raising our kids.

I hope you have a great weekend and please let me know what you think.

doug